Friends can break your heart.
Aristotle once wrote: “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” A recent event got me thinking about this moving analogy. After many hours of contemplation, I’ve come to the simple conclusion that: it’s complicated. While I appreciate Aristotle’s profound sentiment, friendships, despite our best intentions, don’t always ripen to be savoured ever so sweetly. Sometimes, they’re bitter. Sometimes, they’re neglected and are left hanging for far too long, so they fall. Sometimes, they’re left to rot. And sometimes, although they appear to be perfect for plucking, from up close, they’re in fact bruised, unsightly and therefore discarded without second thought.
When it comes to friendship, the metaphors are endless, and all valid. This is why I prefer to view friendship not just as the fruit but as the entire tree. True friendship starts with a seed, forms roots and then a trunk that branches out to birth buds that later blossom. The fruit represents the many types and stages of friendship, and mirrors what’s going on inside and around the tree. A healthy core rewards us with fruit, time and time again, and in due time.
I believe that friendship is the fabric of life. I’m slow to call someone a friend and it’s not a role I take lightly. My few and closest friends can attest to the love, loyalty, and respect I have for them. There is, however, a risk that comes along with loving someone. The closer you get to them, and the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, the more they hold the power to hurt you. It’s why we say that only the ones we love can hurt us. Strange how the opposite doesn’t necessarily hold true; we don’t only hurt the ones we love, we also hurt the ones we don’t love…precisely because we don’t love them. I’ve been grieving the end of a friendship for some months now, and in the process have tormented myself with questions only my friend can answer. It takes a while to accept that we don’t always get the closure we need. It takes even longer to accept that we don’t always receive the love we give.
People often speak of romantic heartbreak but seldom mention the pain from having a friendship end abruptly. I’m not talking about the friends we often grow apart from because life naturally pulls us in different directions. I’m not talking about circumstantial friendships, either—not all colleagues turn into lifelong friends. Nor do we always get to keep a circle of friends after a breakup or divorce. And I’m certainly not referring to anyone toxic we intentionally distance ourselves from. See, in many scenarios, there’s reason for a friendship’s transition, pause, or end. Not to say these situations aren’t sad or painful, but they are, at least, understandable.
In some cases, however, like in mine, the end of a presumably close friendship catches us by surprise leaving us feeling devalued and blindsided. And only someone on the receiving end of such a cut off can understand the hurt, confusion, anger, and even shame that come along with it. It’s weird, one minute you’re close and the next you’re a persona non grata. If there’s a valid unforgivable reason, you assume accountability for your part, grieve the loss and eventually (hopefully) make peace with it. In the absence of rhyme or reason, however, you struggle to make sense of it all. You’re left to wonder what was said or done that made your otherwise faithful and beloved friend toss you aside so unforgivingly as if you’ve meant nothing to them.
Truth is that rupture is inevitable in relationships. Unfortunately, I’ve come to experience that it isn’t the rupture that causes a relationship to end, it’s the unwillingness to repair the rupture, and worse, the unwillingness to even talk about it. I don’t know what went so wrong between my friend and me that it warranted a cut off. My friend would obviously beg to differ. But I believe there’s no sense in putting a friendship on trial in attempt to assign blame. Where human hearts are concerned, things are rarely if ever right or wrong, black or white. What I do know, is that healthy relationships should be able to withstand conflict and difficult conversations. It’s how intimacy is born. And just as a tree bends with the wind as not to break, so must friendships stretch and expand if they are to last.
We’re all fallible and imperfect which is what makes friendship so necessary and precious. It’s a relationship that’s pure, liberating, and life-sustaining. Unlike romantic intimacy, platonic intimacy is solely based on an emotional bond that has only but one condition: that it’s reciprocated. Friendship has all the richness and complexity of romance but without the perplexing pressures, dynamics, and expectations. It’s probably why friendship first provides a solid foundation for lasting romance. As Friedrich Nietzsche once said: “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
That said, friendship might be simple, but the intimate ones don’t come easy. Not everyone loves like we love. Some prefer to keep feelings shallow, while others prefer to go deep. While some are satiated with catching up occasionally over dinner or coffee, others crave a more constant and substantial rapport. Some value distance over closeness. Regardless of the rhythm of friendship you prefer, notice how authentic connections are only possible in the presence of emotional attunement and empathy. Understanding and responding to how a friend thinks and feels, and reciprocally, is a true measure of good friendship. Make no mistake, mutual effort and commitment is required.
In my view, the olive tree epitomizes everything a true friendship is. Just as the tree represents longevity as it can live for thousands of years, remaining prolific throughout, a true friendship stands the test of time. Just as the tree is famously considered sacred, and a symbol of wisdom, abundance, peace, power, and purity, so should a true friend be considered. And just as its fruit, the mighty olive, is nourishing and healing, so should a true friend be. But the olive tree’s most exceptional trait is that it’s indestructible. Its root system is so robust that it’s capable of regenerating itself even when its above-ground structure is destroyed by frost, fire, or disease. So, if you’re anything like me and value deep meaningful connections, bear this in mind in choosing a friend. Be slow in letting them into your life and heart. The true ones will want to plant roots with you in view of ripening fruits. And when faced with inevitable hurt, they’ll see the merit in healing it.
